How to Silence Your Inner Critic (with Kindness and Compassion)

Have you ever taken a week or so to really be mindful and aware of the way you talk to yourself?  Have you listened with intention to the tone, the words and the emotions behind your “inner voice”?  If you have not then I invite you to do so.  The first step to changing any behavior is to become aware of it.  We all do it- we have this voice inside- that we know no one else can hear.  In the “safety” of that solitude we can be mean!  When you notice how you talk to yourself, what you say, how you say it then I invite you to ask yourself this question, would you talk to anyone else like that?    Most often the answer is no.  Most often we would never be that cruel or critical and non-accepting of others but we will ourselves on a daily basis.  So let’s get back to this question of how to silence this inner “bully”.
•    Become aware of how often you say something mean “I am so stupid”, “I am so lazy”, “I can never do what he/she did,” “I don’t deserve anything good because I am such a horrible person” etc.  Just make a note of this.  You can do it on a piece of paper, in the notes on your phone…I encourage you to do it on something tangible that you can hold and see and count to really get a feel for it.  
•    After you have noted the frequency of your “mean inner bully/critic” for a few days to a week then you will be able to become more aware when the inner “tirade” starts and at this point I invite you to gently stop and with kindness and compassion change the tone of the inner voice, stop and look without judgment at the words and thoughts of that bully- I encourage you to observe them like a movie or words on a page.  Then simply (becomes much simpler with time) dismiss them.  You can say to them “thank you for coming by but I don’t need you”.   Visualize the “mean inner bully” floating away.
•    Send that inner critic that compares you to others, tells you that you are not good enough, that you will never be enough away and then replace her/him with a kind and gentle inner voice.  Visualize your “inner goddess/god” as a beautiful and kind being.   As you learn to dismiss the inner critic and replace them with a graceful and serene “inner god/goddess” that bully will disappear.  Notice the things that you are good at and tell yourself “way to go”, “I love how you took the time to rest today”, “I love that you are taking care of yourself by sleeping enough and exercising”.   Take the time to nurture yourself with kind words, feelings and thoughts….beware of what you say about your body…it can hear you!
Once you begin to do this then I ask you to repeat the first exercise in which you made note of the “inner critic”.  I invite you to notice and become aware of your “inner god/goddess” and the kind, gentle and compassionate things she/he says to you.  This is the good stuff.  Most of us are kind and compassionate with others and you deserve your kindness and compassion as much (if not more) than others do.  Self-compassion is not a luxury, it is a vital part of self-care.  It takes an ongoing practice and self-awareness to nurture that inner goddess/god but once you do you will never allow that inner bully back.  I would like to leave you with a quote. 
 

“Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them humanity cannot survive” Dalai Lama 

Love and light

Jamie

More Courage (Part II)

More courage (Part II)

So let's pick up where we left off last time and talk about how to begin to
start being emotionally honest.  How to use courage and "tell your whole
heart."  Last time I asked you to just observe. Do not do anything
differently but observe how many times you say "I'm fine" when you are not,
when you agree to do something you do not want to do, when asked to make a
choice you say "whatever you want is fine". Observe this without judgment,
just notice, maybe even make a little note of every time it happens.

How many of you did this?  Really and honestly did this?  I would love to
hear what your results were and how they made you feel.  Were you surprised
or are you already living with emotional honesty and courage by “telling
your whole heart”.  If you are congratulations and please share your
tips on how you are able to achieve this!   For those of you who observed
you are not being emotionally honest, let’s look at some things you can do.
Look at your observations, do you see any pattern?  It is particular people
you are just existing with or everyone?   Are you closed off at work due to
fear of vulnerability surrounding your job?  What about with friends and family members?  Do you share your true thoughts and feelings with anyone?  Another thing to think
about is this…many times we have done so in the past and it didn’t turn out
well and we were hurt.  In order to protect ourselves we shut down.   Again,
I want you to ask yourself, “is this really living?”  It is important to be honest with yourself in your answer.

A few thoughts on ways you can learn to use courage by speaking your whole
heart.   The first place to start is with you.  Are you emotionally honest
with yourself?  Do you accept and understand how you feel?  Many people tell
themselves that everything is fine, they are happy and all is good. We pretend that we are happy
and that our lives are exactly what we want them to be because that is often easier than admitting we are not content.  Not admitting your true emotions, feelings, desires to yourself means that you don’t do anything to change this.  You continue living but are not living sincerely
and honestly.  Dishonesty, living against your beliefs creates anxiety,
fear, resentment, anger and distrust.  Distrust in ourselves as well as distrust in
others.    This is not how I want you to feel or live your life!  I want
better for myself and for you!

Take away tip.... Once again just observe. Do not do anything differently
but observe how many times you say "I'm fine" when you are not, when you
agree to do something you do not want to do, when asked to make a choice you
say "whatever you want is fine". Observe this without judgment, just
notice.  However this time make a note of each time this happens.  At the end of the day or as
it occurs jot down the emotions that you feel about your dishonesty to
yourself.  Are you treating yourself with the respect that you show
others?    Write down your emotional and physical reactions.  What emotion do you feel?  Worry, mad, sad, happy to have avoided conflict?  Physically do you feel tense, have a headache or is your stomach upset?  Do you feel good about yourself or do you wish you had been honest?

love and light
 

Test time!

Welcome back to self-care headquarters.  I cannot tell you excited I am about the REAL self-care program I am creating- it is so much fun.  If you have not been reading my blog this stands for Radiant Essential Amazing Life changing Self-Care.  REAL Self-Care.  It will be a total program  created and divided into 8 fun, dig deep down modules that will change your life.  

How do I know this?
I am the retiring queen of superwoman syndrome in overdrive.  As far back as I can recall, I am juggling about 3-5 jobs at a time.  If a volunteer was needed for a project, I was on it.  If something seemed like a good business venture you could count me in.  I am busy and I love being busy, creating and doing.  However, this took its toll on me.  After all, I am a human being….not a human doing.  Until the past few years I had not done much being and all sorts of doing.  I was tired, frustrated, burned out and resentful.  I knew something had to change.  The entire field of therapy is super interesting and draws me in but it was too much.  So, what does the busy woman do when overwhelmed?  What else beside get busy figuring out how to just BE.  This is a work in progress and it is a constant struggle for me to slow down and be mindful and here in the moment.  I have studied, learned, played with and tried all kinds of self-care techniques.  

What did I discover?
Life is better in slow motion.  Life is better when you are participating, really participating in each and every moment.  Mindfulness is an amazingly deceptively simple seeming concept that is not simple but oh so amazing when you get it down.  I learned how to practice mindful meditation.  Meditation often leads to creating.  This creation, REAL self-care came to me in a mediation.  If I had not been listening I would never have heard what I believe is going to be the best program I will ever create.  Self-care is not selfish, it is vital and cannot be ignored without consequences.  

So where are you?  Let’s evaluate!
This program is still in creation mode but the very first thing to do is evaluate where you are right now.  How well are you providing self-care for YOU now?  I have created a self-care quiz to help you see where you are now.  No judging allowed, no beating yourself up for not being where you want to be.  It is what it is.   I will be honest when I began this journey for peace a few years ago the answer to nearly every question on my quiz would have been a big fat NO.  I am super proud to say that now most of the time I can honestly answer YES. Click here to take my self-care quiz to see how well you are providing the nourishing and compassionate care you deserve. Then I invite you to visit my page scroll to the bottom and sign up for updates, free self-care tips and videos and keep up with what I am doing.  I would love to create a REAL self-care tribe with you.

Love and light

Jamie

Courage

Courage (Part I)
 
"The root of the word courage is cor- the Latin word for heart. In one of its earliest forms, the word courage had a very different definition than it does today. Courage originally meant "To speak one's mind by telling all one's heart". Brene Brown

Brene' Brown is one of my favorite author and researchers. She just talks to me! She studies shame and breaks it down for us. She teaches some very important lessons. The above definition came from her book "The Gifts of Imperfection". I highly recommend this book for all to read.

Courage= "To speak one's mind by telling all one's heart" Wow that is not what we typically think of when we hear the word courage. I don't at least, I think hero's, doing some brave, something scary. To tell all one's heart...that is scary! Do any of us do this? How many of you are emotionally honest? Do you truthfully tell those around you how you really feel or do you "fake it till you make it?" It is not reasonable to expect to tell all your heart to everyone you meet. It is reasonable to have a group of family/friends that you share you heart with. It is reasonable to have people you trust to know what your true thoughts and feelings are.

The topic of emotional honesty comes up time after time in therapy sessions. Many people are afraid to tell others the truth. This makes sense because then you are vulnerable. Vulnerable ---adj. 
1.) Capable of being physically or emotionally wounded or hurt. 2.) Open to temptation, persuasion, censure, etc. 3.) Liable or exposed to disaster. This sounds like something to avoid doesn't it? Let's be honest if we live avoiding vulnerability are we really living? A life where no one really knows you, you never share your heart, you never open up and allow others to open up to you. I would describe that as existing, not living.

So let's talk about how to begin to start being emotionally honest. How to use courage and "tell your whole heart. “This week just observe. Do not do anything differently. 

Take away tip-   Notice how many times you say "I'm fine" when you are not, when you agree to do something you do not want to do, when asked to make a choice you say "whatever you want is fine". Observe this without judgment, just notice, maybe even record what you discover in a journal or a notebook and create a courage book of your own life story. 

love and light
Jamie L. Summers Stacks, LPC, LADAC
www.jamiestacksthearpy.com

REAL Self-Care

Radical Extreme Amazing Life Changing Self-Care

We have been talking about this notion of self -care.   I have been meditating and working to create a program for self-care that really resonates with the vision I have in my head and it is coming together but still a work in progress.  It is an awesome thing to consider working with and it keeps popping up in my path which makes me sure I am supposed to create around this topic.

Areas of Self-Care

Self-care encompasses all areas of our life.  It means taking care of ourselves- body, mind and spirit.  We can start learning to do this by looking at our health, what we eat, if we exercise or keep our weight in a healthy range.  It means looking at your inner thought patterns and seeing if they serve you, it can include finding a power greater than yourself to connect to and with and use for guidance.  These are just a few examples of the internal work of self-care.   There is exterior work as well.  It includes looking at your surroundings both at work and home and where ever else you may be on a regular basis.  Do they represent you as you wish to be seen and feel?   Are they spacious or cluttered increasing the clutter in you head?   Do you have free space for energy to flow and move and bring new into your life? It means looking at those people in your life and really evaluating if they are serving your best interest and does having them in your life help you work towards reaching your soul’s contract?  How do you talk to yourself?  Inner conflict or an inner bully can destroy all efforts of self-care.  Do you expect respect from others in your life and do you treat yourself with respect?  Do you have a bucket list or a vision board?  Do you have boards on Pinterest full of things you expect to have one day?  I want you too expect and truly know in your inner goddess and higher self that you deserve and should expect to treat yourself like the goddess you are.  

Start where you are- taking care of ourselves

Let’s evaluate… I encourage you to pop over to Kristen Neff and her self compassion page and take her self-compassion test to get a feel of where you are.  If you have already healthy and strong self-compassion congratulations and please share some tips on what you do to nurture yourself.  For those of us who not as high on the self-compassion scale as we would like it give us a place to start.  For example if you scored high on being judgmental about your flaws you can start there.  If you feel inadequate when you fail that is a good starting point.  Do not use this as a reason to beat yourself up.  Being rough on yourself for not scoring what you would like on a self-compassion test defeats what we are working towards and is quite ironic actually.  This is going to get your started on the internal self-care that is of utmost importance.  I hope you have a journal by now, if you do not, please get one and record your scores from the self-compassion quiz so you can not only know where to start but can look back at the end of this journey and see how far you have come.    This step will start you our on self-care for for your mind.  We will move on to body and spirit and then the external work that goes along with creating a comprehensive self-care program.  Please share in the comments if you are comfortable doing so how you are doing with self-compassion.  

Take away tip- If you do not truly and deeply connect to yourself and love yourself it will be impossible too truly accept and give love to others.  Look at you!  Look into your eyes in the mirror as many times as you can throughout the day- don’t look at the “flaws” you don’t like but really look into your eyes.  The eyes are the window to the soul and the soul is YOU.  Look into your eyes and say to yourself “I love you- notice your beautiful eyes and the expression and depth of them”  Say “I love you” over and over as  long as it takes for you to really feel and believe this.  It is amazing what this one step can do for you.  Try it.

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Life Lesson 2 From Rumi

25 life changing lessons everyone can learn from Rumi

Life Lesson 2

Part two of life changing lessons from a post with a Rumi article-here we go with blog number two.

2.  Your job is to live your life in a way that makes sense to you, not to “them”

Live your life in a way that makes sense to you.  Seems pretty straightforward, live for you, not “them”.  However simple and straightforward it appears, living your life the way that makes sense to you is not always easy.  Most of us have other people in our lives that would like to be considered when you are making choices for your life because your choices will directly impact others.  When you think of how you want to live, the values and morals that you have and expect from yourself and others, I invite you to consider something.  I invite you to consider if you are basing your life on the belief systems that you grew up with or of those you are living with now or if they are true to YOU?   I hear people all the time talk with pride about “being there for everyone else”, “I never have time for me” and they feel good about themselves or appear to yet they are in therapy much of the time when I talk to them?  It is at that part of the conversation I like to point out that this does not seem to be working for or you would not be in my office.  It seems to come as a surprise sometimes that giving your self-care up to take care of others is not a particularly healthy or appropriate way to life your life.  However, this is what our society often pushes, do more, do for others, it is selfish to take time for you…this is often the underlying or overt message we get.  I challenge you to make self-care a priority over doing and taking care of everyone else.  Radical, extreme, self-care, self-care that you need and you deserve so that you can in turn help others and do the things that are expected of you in life.  When we are overwhelmed, exhausted and emotionally drained we are not of much use to anyone.  I have played this role really expertly in my life in the past and I admit I have to struggle to keep this from happening all the time.  I am a people pleaser and I want people to like me and in the past I have taken on, done and accepted responsibility for things that are not my own.  At the time it felt exhausting and draining and created a ton of resentment but I would get stuck in the “I am so helpful, people need me” thought processes.  I played the pleaser for years but I decided to hang up my superwoman cape because I am not superwoman and neither are you!  When I live for others I leave out the most important person- me- and if I don’t respect me then why do I expect that others will?  We get caught up in “guilt”, oh if I do this or don’t do that then this person will be upset or angry but it comes to a point where you simply cannot maintain the pace of supporting you and everyone else.  I invite you now to consider something else, with the exception of your children, every other person in your life right now has lived without you for a period of time and guess what?  They survived, they did what they now want you to do or they found someone else to do it but this “help” is not helpful at all.  It creates unhealthy and unproductive relationships with one person doing, working, trying and the other person taking and taking and taking and while it may seem that “I like to help- it is ok” it is indeed not ok and goes against everything Rumi is saying here.  Once again I would like to invite you to make self-care a priority.  The best way to change a behavior in anyone else is to model the behavior you would like for them to have.  We learn from what others do so much more than what they say, don’t you agree?

“Start a huge, foolish project, like Noah…it makes absolutely no difference what people think of you.”

Start a huge foolish project….wow how fun and scary.  What would you do if you were guaranteed not to fail?   Our society and most people’s family/home life teaches them to take on “safe and smart” jobs, projects etc.  We succeed then or at least our chances of succeeding are pretty good.  A huge foolish project with no concern to what people think of you, that sounds to me almost like a challenge.  When I consider what that would mean to me I have a few initial thoughts surrounding work ideas, projects and such but what more is there?   What is more important than work or projects at your house or garden?   For me, right now, it is searching for my soul’s true mission, the reason for my experience here in this time and space.  What kind of path am I truly supposed to be on?  What will fulfill my soul’s desire?   How does one go about discovering their soul’s mission?  I am learning as I go.  I know for me it includes quiet time, meditation, mindfulness, yoga and I am finding that being creative opens me up to hear, really hear what I need to hear.  It would be easy for me to start a huge foolish project for work, create more programs, write a book, or anything along those lines- it would be easy at least compared to discovering my soul’s desire.  It may be that I do these things or some of them on my journey but I want to stay mindful of the fact that finding out who and what I am is the most important thing I can do in my journey called life.  It is something only I can do though it is and will be necessary to ask for help along the way.  I am listening to what I am led to do and then I am going there, there where I am led, where I am supposed to be.  I am learning to trust the process and know that this is the only way to find my way to where I belong, and wherever I am, at that point in time, is where I belong.  I believe this to be true.  How about you?  What huge, foolish project, like Noah can you start…it makes absolutely no difference what people think of you.  I would love for you to share this in the comments and we can take this journey together.

love and light

Jamie

More Radical Self-Care

I am going to focus today on more radical self care….I am working on developing a program around this that will really identify some self-care techniques that we all need so very much. As I consider this program and what I want out of it, I get lost in imagination and realize this could go so many awesome directions.

I am going to stick close to what I do to begin with and then I am loving the idea of expanding into more areas.  So, what do I know?  Mindfulness, meditation, yoga, compassion, kindness, being present….all of these things work.  We have talked about proof before but if you want more proof then I have it right here.  Mindfulness helps with sleep, depression, anxiety and other mental illnesses.   Meditation is proven to with lowering blood pressure, increasing your immune system and much more.

So what will self-care involve?  A few thoughts to start:

•    Creating and nurturing our “inner goddess”.  She is in there and is just waiting to surface.  However we often allow our “inner critic” to suffocate her.  We have to learn to silence the inner critic and find, nurture and bring out our inner goddess.  Consider with no limitations allowed who you would be if you knew you would succeed, how would you be different?  How would you act different, dress different, do and be more? 

•    Self-Compassion…what is that you ask?  It is showing love, kindness and compassion to yourself.  Kristen Neff has an amazing book titled “Self-Compassion” and I urge you to read it.  She has powerful stuff going on.  Self-compassion is not a luxury, it is a vital part of self-care.  It takes an ongoing practice and self-awareness to draw out that inner goddess/god but once you do you will be amazed at how much better you feel.  

•    Grounding yourself…no, not like when you were in high school and got grounded.  Staying grounded and connected to Mother Nature, the earth, the ground. Getting outside, playing in the dirt whether it is gardening, creating a rock garden or anything else that gets your hands dirty.  Get into or near a body of water.  Water has amazing healing qualities.  

•    Awareness or mindfulness- pay close attention to how you feel.  How does your physical body feel?  Your inner voice, what is it telling you? Notice the things that you are good at and tell yourself “way to go”, “I love how you took the time to rest today”, “I love that you are taking care of yourself by sleeping enough and exercising”.   Take the time to nurture yourself with kind words, feelings and thoughts….beware of what you say about your body…it can hear you!

Take away- Identify characteristics of your inner goddess, go play outside, meditation for 20 minutes and come comment and tell me all about it.

love and light

Jamie
 “Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them humanity cannot survive” Dalai Lama

Radical Self-Care Therapist Style

Welcome back to my Radical Self-Care series- working on creating my R.E.A.L. self-care program so stay tuned.   I asked some awesome psychotherapists and others in helping professions what their daily self-care routine is and got an amazing array of answers.  Thank you all so much for helping me out with this.  As therapists we tend to give a lot of energy away to others and it is of utmost importance that we take care of ourselves.  Check out what these awesome clinicians do for self-care and also check out their websites and what they do!    

Stephanie Devereux   I would say I struggle to get time for self-care daily as I have little ones. But I try to go to the gym, listen to music and "disconnect" from TV & internet, and I practice deep breathing nearly every day.

Bethany Raab  I read something that isn't related to work and doesn't come from the internet. Usually a book, but sometimes a magazine. Helps get my mind onto something different. Exercise is also a big part of my self-care routine!

Molly Merson  I just love being in nature. We are fortunate to have some wilderness areas quite nearby in the East Bay, but even if I only have about 20 minutes, I can find connection in a park or even in the neighborhoods walking past people's gardens. If you give nature a moment to connect with you, it can offer so much more room to hold difficult emotions and ground spiraling thoughts than is possible to do on your own. I walk slowly, purposefully, and let my mind wander. I breathe deeply and regularly, noticing my breath, and noticing the way the light is on the grasses and leaves, the smell of the trees and the air, how the wind, sun, rain feel on my skin, and in about 10 minutes I feel pretty recharged. Plus, it's free!

Helen Chalmers, LPC  I tend to be an introvert (gaining energy/recharging from being alone), so if I have a bunch of clients on one day, say, more than four or five, I will usually keep to myself that evening. I have spent all my listening-and-being-engaged energy for the day. I also don't schedule more than one day like this a week, so I don't have them back to back.

Mercedes Samudio, LCSW  Each day, I listen to music and journal. Music helps release whatever stress accumulated during the day and journaling helps me get my thoughts sorted and out of my head. Both techniques help me unravel the clutter of the day so I can have free space to create and grow the next day.

Jessica Fowler, LCSW  I think of self-care as two levels. My base is the necessities. Daily I make sure I get enough sleep, eat healthy and exercise (a few times a week). When I do those things, I am able to do the things that bring me more joy. Other things I do for self-care daily include reading (even if just for a few minutes), deep breathing, praying and sitting in silence (with little kids you learn to seek out silence!).

Mark Loewen, LPC  I make a point of not checking my work email from home. As a self-employed clinician, it is hard to keep professional and personal schedules separate. I also try not to respond to -or make- work phone calls from home. When I am at work, I take 30 minutes for lunch where I am not working at the same time. I take some time to read articles or text with friends. In between sessions, I take one minute to take a few deep breaths and settle into the here and now, setting an intention to be present with my next client.

Michelle Tapia  I take my dogs to an off-leash dog park 2-3 times a week because their mental health is tied to my mental health. The other days they get neighborhood walks. It is good for them and it is good for me.

Diann Wingert  I start my day with at least 10 minutes of mindfulness meditation on the Headspace app

Megan Bearce  For me it’s going on Facebook which sounds weird at first but I try to fill my feed with inspirational pages like A Mighty Girl and Amy Poehler’s Smart Girls.  They share uplifting stories especially about the cool things women and girls have done or are doing. We also have friends and family scattered across the US so it’s an easy way for me to stay connected with them.  Our profession can be isolating and stressful and this is a quick, easy way for me to feel less so.  Weekly- I get to a yoga class. Monthly- I get a massage.

Kim McLaghlin, LMFT  Self-care question- I have been meditating most every day for the past 8 months. I do it at no particular time and it is a quick 5-10 minutes. It is immensely helpful and when I took the pressure off of it having to be 30 minutes in the morning (like "they" recommend) I have been able to do it most days.

Nellie Narsia  For me I always have to be outside and to feel connected to nature, sometimes just standing on the ground and feeling myself connected to it all allows me to be able to be present with my clients! I love to journal, and it write poetry, poetry truly connects me with my soul and it is very healing to me! I love bubble bath, and love pink Floyd!
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