Can you define trust?

Trust

 

Trust is something that is discussed all the time in therapy.  Do you trust the people in your life?  Do you trust your family?  My favorite and what I feel is the most important is this.  Do you trust yourself?  Many, many times the answer is no.  People often do not trust themselves.  I see more women than men so it is my experience that occurs with women very frequently, just what I see. 

Another question that I often ask in therapy is “what is trust”, can you define what that word means to you?  There is no right or wrong answer, it is what you think it is.   My personal definition is something like this.  Trust means that I believe the person I trust will do what they say they will do, they will be there for me emotionally no matter what, person’s that I trust will keep their word to me and treat me with respect.  There have been times in my life when those were not things that I did for myself.  It has taken great effort and work to change this.  It is work that is so worth it.

If your answer to trusting yourself is no, take a long look at it.  There can be many reasons for mistrust of yourself and others.  Maybe you have been betrayed, maybe you have not experienced unconditional love, those you love have not treated you fairly?  If this is true then ask the same questions of how you have treated yourself.  Do you show yourself unconditional love?  Do you treat yourself fairly?  Much of the time the answer is no.  This you can change…you can’t change others…you can change you.

Let’s talk about trust.  What are your thoughts?

Love and light,

Jamie

 

What are the symptoms of PTSD and could you be suffering from them?

What are the symptoms of PTSD and could you be suffering from them?

The universe has brought the concept of trauma and PTSD on my path a great deal lately so it leads me to write about it.  I work with addictions, depression, anxiety and many other symptoms and the underlying connection that they most frequently have is trauma.  There are many types of trauma and what is traumatic to one person may not be to another but this does not discredit the pain it is causing in the one suffering.  I get asked often what PTSD is.  Clients tell me frequently that they have been diagnosed with PTSD but when I ask them to explain it they can’t.  They have not been taught and made aware of what that means for them in their experience.  I want to take this post today and define symptoms of PTSD as well as some common treatments.  It does not have to be a life sentence, there is help out there.  Find it.

A wide variety of symptoms may be signs you are experiencing PTSD:

  • Feeling upset by things that remind you of what happened

  • Having nightmares, vivid memories, or flashbacks of the event that make you feel like it’s happening all over again

  • Feeling emotionally cut off from others

  • Feeling numb or no interest in things you used to care about and feeling depressed

  • Thinking that you are always in danger

  • Feeling increased anxiety, jittery, or irritated

  • Trouble sleeping

  • Feeling disconnected from friends and family

  • Ultra aware of and sensitive to sounds and unexpected noise

  • Experiencing a sense of panic that something bad is about to happen

Still not sure this applies to you?  Click here for a screening.

How to deal with the symptoms of PTSD?\

Thankfully there are places you can turn for help.  There are a number of evidence based treatments for trauma and PTSD and you can work with your doctor or therapist to find the right treatment for you.  

·         Cognitive behavioral therapy is a form of talk therapy that is often used in conjunction with medications to encourage you to remember the event and express your feelings about it. This can help desensitize you to the trauma and reduce your symptoms. You can learn to be aware of your thought processes and begin to make changes to them

·         Support in the form of a therapy support group or any other group you feel comfortable with where you can discuss your feelings with other PTSD sufferers. This will help you realize that your symptoms are not unusual and that you are not alone.

·         EMDR  (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) is a psychotherapy that enables people to heal from the symptoms and emotional distress that are the result of disturbing life experiences.  Repeated studies show that by using EMDR people can experience the benefits of psychotherapy that once took years to make a difference. It is widely assumed that severe emotional pain requires a long time to heal.  EMDR therapy shows that the mind can in fact heal from psychological trauma much as the body recovers from physical trauma. 

·         Trauma Sensitive Yoga Therapy

·         Mindfulness is simply paying attention to and awareness of the present moment, and nonjudgmental acceptance of whatever you are experiencing. Regular mindfulness practice can lead to a greater here and now-centered awareness and nonjudgmental acceptance of potentially distressing cognitive and emotional states as well as trauma-related internal and external triggers

·         Self-care - Self-care is what people do for themselves to establish and maintain health, prevent and deal with illness.  It is vital to anyone and especially those suffering from trauma.

“There are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds.”
Laurell K. Hamilton

 

 

 

Part V…last installment of emotional honesty and courage!

Part V…last installment of emotional honesty and courage! 
 
Find your support
Starting last time your challenge was being honest with your select group of supporters.  I asked you to write down how you felt doing this.  Is it a relief, does it create anxiety, does it feel good?  Keep notes on each time you are able to follow through with this challenge.  Please also note when you don’t follow through and try to articulate WHY you didn’t.  Share your thoughts with me.  
 
Do you feel more true to yourself doing this?  Is it becoming any easier or is it still very difficult.  Let’s talk about why if it is.  Are those around you rejecting you when you are honest?  Do you feel as though you are letting others down when you don’t agree with them?    Do you feel good about it?  Do you find this courage, courage using Brene’ Brown’s definition    "To speak one's mind by telling all one's heart” makes your life happier, easier, are you more content? 
 
Use your courage
How can you use courage in other areas of your life?  Start small and work up to more and more courage by being emotionally honest with more people in your life.  Try this with people at work, in the stores, your friends, more distant family members.  Most importantly remember to be honest with you!    Notice when you are not and make efforts to change that.  When you find someone who reacts in a less than ideal way observe it without judgment.  Don’t take what others do personally.  What other people do is because of who they are not who you are.  This comes from “The Four Agreements” by Miguel Ruiz another of my favorite authors.
 
Take away tip- Remember to watch this and see how you are doing day to day.  Be alert and observe your actions…they are your responsibility!   If you need some more work in this area or would like to work with me individually with a text program or email program designed specifically for you, let me know.  Sometimes it takes one on one help to really get you where you want to go.
  

love and light
Jamie Stacks, LPC, LADAC
www.jamiestackstherapy.com
Twitter @jamielstacks

Wanted: anxiety sufferers and those who suffer from anxiety attacks

Strange title huh?  But, I can promise you if you suffer with anxiety and have ever had anxiety attacks it got you to click on this post!  Why?  As a mental health therapist one of the most common disorders that I work with are anxiety disorders and people do not know what to do for them.  The symptoms of anxiety vary a great deal from each other.  As with any general symptoms the words “anxiety” can mean different things to different people so I always start with defining each individuals’ anxiety.  I hear of people suffering from “anxiety or panic attacks” but then are unable to really identify what happens to them during an anxiety attack.

So – let’s do some defining first  

What is anxiety?  Anxiety is essentially a fear of something/s, events, a series of life happenings that create sometimes incredibly handicapping symptoms and the irony is the events have not actually happened.  What’s more is that they probably won’t occur or not in the exact way that way that you envision them. Also, consider this fact even if the event/s occur in the exact way you think about them, is it at all beneficial to experience a tragic event more than one time?  I have to say no, how could it be?   So let’s take a list of anxiety symptoms from the Mayo Clinic and look at it.

Common anxiety signs and symptoms include:

  • Feeling nervous

  • Feeling powerless

  • Having a sense of impending danger, panic or doom

  • Having an increased heart rate

  • Breathing rapidly (hyperventilation)

  • Sweating

  • Trembling

  • Feeling weak or tired

  • Trouble concentrating or thinking about anything other than the present worry

To further complicate things for those who suffer with anxiety sometimes anxiety or panic attacks occur on a regular basis creating debilitating problems for the one suffering   Panic/anxiety attacks involves repeated episodes of sudden feelings of intense anxiety and fear or terror that reach a peak within minutes (panic attacks). You may have feelings of impending doom, shortness of breath, heart palpitations or chest pain.  Often those with anxiety attacks feel as though they are dying, having a heart attack, “going crazy”, have “out of body experiences” and will frequent ER’s and MD offices looking for physical illness explanations that make more sense than “just anxiety”.  Anxiety is a tricky bugger- it feels like you will die but thankfully anxiety will not kill you but it sure can create a great of problems.  

A simple event such as your spouse not answering his phone may create nervous feeling following the out of control spiraling that can happen in an anxiety attack:

Oh no- he didn’t answer, he had an accident.  Why isn’t he calling me back?  He is dead, I know he is, what am I going to do? I have to plan the funeral, we can’t afford a funeral, who would come?  We have 3 kids are a ton of bills, how will I raise these kids on my own, we will lose the house, we will lose everything.  I won’t be able to survive the grief, how can I live without him?  I will die or go crazy.  The kids will be in foster care, they will all be separated and will all suffer their entire life, they will lose everything and not have a future and grow up to be drug addicts.  Oh – wait – is that my phone?  Oh he isn’t dead after all.

Wow- how stressful, how simple events can create such out of control thoughts that create our body to dive straight into fight/flight or freeze mode, increasing your blood pressure, heart rate, increasing adrenaline levels and other stress hormones.  This creates havoc on your body over time not to mention your sanity. 

So why would I entitle a post entitled wanted: people who suffer from anxiety?  Simple answer, it can improve, you can learn techniques that can either eliminate or significantly decrease the debilitating factor these disorders can create in your life.  I want to talk about using mindfulness for anxiety

Enter Mindfulness

If used correctly, Mindfulness is nearly infallible for helping to alleviate stress and anxiety.  It is awesome for stress and anxiety management. So what is it? Mindfulness is a conscientious activity. It is an effort to do the opposite of what our brains naturally do. As we go about our days, our minds drift from here to there with no connections, and we think about any number of things besides what is going on in the exact moment you are in. When you’re being mindful, you actively work against this natural process and possibilities are endless. We can practice mindfulness at home, when we are idle, at work and virtually anywhere you are. Unfortunately, the ability to be mindful is not something we’re born with but the good news is we can learn in and practice it. Like most skills, it must be developed and modified to fit your individual needs. However, mindfulness is amazing because you can practice it anytime you want. Mindfulness and deep breathing are my absolute favorite coping skills for anxiety because you can practice ANYWHERE!   At first, you’ll find that your mind wanders like crazy. It’s difficult to quiet your thoughts. This is completely normal and happens even to those of us who have been practicing for years. Try to quiet your mind and focus on your sensations for even a few minutes- you can increase the time as you go.  View anything as an opportunity to be mindful. Practice mindfulness while walking, cleaning, and showering. Just notice the sensations you see, hear, feel, taste etc.  Be aware of the exact moment you are in, the only one you can possibly exist in.  Once you begin to practice, it will become easier to keep your thoughts in check for longer amounts of time. 

Being mindful means focusing totally and completely on the present task and present moment without any judgment- just being aware of it.

 

 

Telling your whole heart IV

Assess your list


Last time we created a list of those around you.  You assessed your relationships with who you have in your live now.   Let’s look at it more closely.  Look at all the names that are not marked out.  What is it about those people that you find supportive?    What specifically do they do to support you?  Write the qualities you like about each beside their name.    Now choose 3 or so to start with.  My challenge to you is this:  start today being emotionally honest with these few people.  You may or may not want to let them know you working to be more true to yourself.  You can tell them or you can just begin to find courage by being honest.  Here is where you begin to change.  You have observed, noticed and assessed…time to start doing something different.    This is the exciting part and scary part.

Being brave
 

This is scary and hard to do but exciting at the same time.  Even with those you feel support you the most there is a vulnerability there when you are an open book. There are a great deal of what ifs, what happens if you don’t react like they expect you to?  Will they still love you, still support you?  Even if the answer is no, that some of these people can’t accept your whole heart, you need to know that in order to live with courage.  Start small, if someone suggests Mexican food and you don’t want it tell them.  If someone invites you to go to the movies and you would rather go to the gym, say that.  If someone asks you if you are happy with your job/partner/etc….say what you feel.  This is not to gain sympathy but to gain support and see that others will accept you for you. If those you selected to start with are not able to do this then you have to know.  We spend a great deal of time avoiding bad feelings…feel what you are feeling.  Even if you don’t like it!   Stick with this select group for a little while and then we will move on to others!

Take away tip- Along with being honest with your select group, write down how you feel doing this.  Is it a relief, create anxiety, feel good?  Keep notes on each time you are able to follow through with this challenge.  Please also note when you don’t follow through and try to articulate WHY you didn’t.

Our lives are unpredictable and many things are out of our control.  However you do have the capability of improving your life with small and large changes.  Thank you for having the courage to do this.  You will be glad you did.
 
love and light
Jamie Stacks, LPC, LADAC
www.jamiestackstherapy.com
Twitter @jamielstacks

Is this the sign you have been looking for?

Some of you may have noticed I am blogging more frequently so let me talk a bit about why I am doing that.  I love to write, I can “talk”thinks out on paper, it often helps me process new goals and new creative things that I can take on and I like to hope that it can also help others along the way.  

Paying attention to the signs
It has been a goal of mine to blog daily or almost daily for quite some time but I didn’t put much effort into this happening.  I would “try to remember” or write when a topic jumped out at me but that is about as far as I took it.  I am really making efforts to be mindful, be aware and pay attention to the things that cross my path…writing keeps popping up.  People are asking me about writing, others are discussing their writing and so forth.  So I decided to listen to the universe and what it’s telling me and a 30 day blog challenge presented its self so here I am.  Blogging every day and I like it.  I have  few series going and that is fun and then I have the “let’s say what is on my mind posts” like today.

We have been talking about courage and mindfulness
One of the things that has been recurring in my life for as long as I recall is that when I think about something I want to do or want to create, I get a sense of urgency about it.  It isn’t a happy excited sense but more like an “oh my gosh I must do that right this instance” sense. It does not feel good.  What I am noticing and in mentioning this to other people I trust,  what I am learning is  that a sense of urgency about anything is coming from a place of fear.   A place of distrust that what you are meant to do and where you are meant to be will fail to unravel in its own time and its own way.  This isn’t true- it will happens as it should no matter how urgent or anxious I let myself be.  I am working to honor this.  I can’t force the universe to do anything but I can create plenty of feelings of resentment and rushed anticipation for myself and can drive the people around me a bit nuts with my urgency.   As I often ask others “does this serve me or anyone is a positive way”?  No, it does not so I am working to let it go.

My intention
I have mentioned before setting intentions for what you want.  We draw what we think about and setting daily intentions is a part of my morning routine (so important that it has earned a place in my REAL self-care program).  However, there are times when I think a general intention for a time in your life is needed as well.  My life is always changing, of course, as is yours but some big moves and such are going on right now.  In this time of change,  the feelings of urgency keep coming back,  so it is clear to me I need to set an intention for this time of my life. This time of transition and move to a new town and taking on new adventures needs an intention.  This intention is to release all urgency and anxious, recurring useless  thoughts  gently into the wind and watch them  float away like the seeds on a dandelion. .  Things will happen,  I won’t be homeless, I will work and it will all play out as it should.

How about you?
Are you tuned into listening to what you need to hear?  Are you paying attention to it.  If there is a phrase, a word, a person, an activity that continues to present itself notice it.  It’s there for a reason.  Honor it and see what you might do with it.  My doing that is making a huge difference in my life and I would love to see you have this transformation as well.  We certainly play a role in our own lives but there is a lovely sense of calm release when we can also tune into what we already know and learn to access it.  Everything you need, you already have, you just have to re-find it.  

Take away tip- what keeps presenting itself in your life?  A person, a thought, an activity, a book, theory or what ever else you keep crossing paths with.  Notice it, honor it and explore what you need to do with it.  I would be grateful if you would come back and share with me some of the insights you gain or some of the intentions you are setting based on what you find.

Love and light
Jamie

Courage part III

 
So last plan of action was this….just observe. Do not do anything differently but observe how many times you say "I'm fine" when you are not, when you agree to do something you do not want to do, when asked to make a choice you say "whatever you want is fine". Observe this without judgment, just notice.  Make a note of each time this happens.  At the end of the day or as it occurs jot down the emotions that you feel about your dishonesty to yourself.  Are you treating yourself with the respect that you show others?    Write down your emotional and physical reactions.  Do you feel tense, have a headache or is your stomach upset?  Do you feel good about yourself or do you wish you had been honest?
 
How did this exercise go?  

Were you able to be truthful in recording your emotional and physical reactions to not telling your whole heart?   Did turn out like you expected?  Were you able to really see some of the ways that this is affecting you emotionally and physically?  This exercise was to help you to see what your actions are creating for you.  Uncomfortable feelings, living life as others want you to not as you want to.   Can you take a look at your notations and assign emotions to them?  Sometimes we feel sad, angry, anxious, afraid, like a push over, out of control etc.  Please share some of the things that you noticed. 
 
Real life example

Let me share an experience that just happened while I was typing this in which I did use emotional honesty.  A co-worker suggested that we have an “office cleaning day” to organize, clean etc.  My first thought was no thank you.  She is right however it does need to be done.  We are a mental health co-op so no one person is responsible.  I thought for a few minutes and told her this.  It is 100% true.  I agreed to do it but shared that I could not promise to bring enthusiasm.    Due to trying to sell my home, I am cleaning it every day, every day!!!  So while I will participate in the office cleaning, I will not be super excited but will not complain either…tell me what to do and I’ll do it.  I could have said, “hey great idea, I’d love to help.”  But that is not true or emotionally honest.   What a great impromptu example to be able to use.
 
Take away tip- achieving emotional honesty and living with courage.    Create a list of those around you Assess your relationships with who you have in your live now.   Write down all of the people you have regular interactions with.  Include family members, friend, neighbors, co-workers, members of your church if you attend, etc.  List everyone whether you consider them supportive or now.  Now check those who you consider supportive in general (you could ask them to do you a favor, you could talk over a problem with this person, now put 2 checks next to those who directly support you fully (there when you need them, they reach out to you as well as you reaching out to them, they know what you need in a support system and how to give it to you. Cross out the names who are unsupportive and put a question by those you are not sure about.   We will work more with that list next time!
 
love and light
Jamie 

 

Why you should be your own best friend

Why you should be your own best friend

Welcome back!  I talk about self-care, self-compassion, being kind to yourself and all that fun stuff.  Why?  I feel it is truly the key to becoming a happier, more content person.  I ask people in therapy all the time about their “inner self talk” and the looks I get often tell me exactly what I need to know.  Most of the time people do not speak kindly to themselves – in their minds or out loud.  

What qualities do you look for in a best friend?  Someone to be there for you, someone you can trust, one who puts your best interests first?  There is no better person suited for that job than you.  

Guess what?  You are the only person from whom you can never escape.  Everywhere you go, you are there and you always will be.  People spend years putting great effort into escaping themselves but they always come right back to where they were with their own thoughts and in their own body.  We abuse drugs to numb our feelings, we shop to “be more by having more”.  We run from ourselves and often abuse ourselves over and over.

How do you treat others?
When you speak to others, or do things for other people, you are kind and caring yet most people feel it is “selfish” to do the same for themselves.  At the risk of being very cliché I want to ask you to go back to the whole oxygen mask on the airplane scenerio.  If you can’t breathe you can’t save anyone else.  If you don’t provide yourself with good self-care, kindness and compassion you will be less effective in doing it with others.  You become resentful of always doing for others and feel left out and not worthy of good care.  When you do this you say to yourself and others “you are more important than me”.  I do not believe that is true.  We are all worthy, we are all good enough.  Read Brene’ Brown and she will tell you the same thing- I love her and her writing.  

I invite you to notice today and over the next few days how you treat others.  Notice your tone of voice, the actual words and actions you portray and just be aware.  Is it kind?  Is it caring?  Do your actions and words say to others “you are worthy, you are awesome”?  Now take those words, those actions, those thoughts and apply them to YOU!   Make a list of traits that you admire in yourself and put it on the mirror or the refrigerator where you will see it everyday.  

When you learn to become your own best friend suddenly life gets easier.  You are free to be and do as you please anytime because you are always with the most excellent company- YOU.  You can be alone with your thoughts and be at peace when you accept you for you.  There is always good- look for it within yourself.  Get to know your true soul- your true being.  Become an expert at noticing what is awesome and amazing and unique about you and let it thrive.  

Take away tip- create a list of positive traits about yourself and read them out loud to yourself everyday.  Create  list of kind things you can do for yourself and do them everyday.  Paint your fingernails, go for a walk, play with your dog, take a nap, eat a healthy meal.  Be kind to you and then notice how that feels.  Is it a strange feeling?  If you are not used to it that could be true.  Does it feel good?  Let yourself enjoy the little things.  Come back and tell me how this worked for you and what you did to take that step towards being your own best friend.

Love and light
Jamie